Life Begat Again

Do I breathe? Do I even dare to move?! The gaze is both terrible and irresistible. The words I hear spoken are both beautiful and dangerous. The mere presence enjoyable and more painful than one would think possible. Not that it was unbearable; it just is what it is. The touch was like the gentlest of breezes and yet you knew at the same instant it was stronger than the mightiest of hurricane winds.

            With one look no one could ever be satisfied; not even with an infinite number of gazes could one begin to understand the wonder inspired.

            I fear, I shall be now forever changed. What does life have to offer now? Nothing, nothing can compare. Even if I was to have a thousand lives worth of falling and being in love. A thousand lives worth of sunsets and sunrises. A thousand lives worth of first kisses and Christmas mornings. Even for all of this, I would not trade a single moment for being with you. You are what makes life actual life. Apart from you is the void: a space that contains nothing.

            You will now be my reason for living. The reason I rise and wake in the mornings. You will be my song for all eternity, and may my voice be strong. Let it rise from the depths of my longing and fill my chest and my lungs. Let it rush through my diaphragm and burst out my mouth like color on a blank canvas. Giving voice to creation’s longing and making the rocks envious of my praise. 

            With this new found joy and life that has found me, came also a sorrow the likes of which I have never known. It was a sorrow that even salty tears have a hard time expressing and mere words are utterly useless. With this sorrow came a pain greater than any lost love, broken heart, or shattered dream. It was the pain of seeing me honestly and openly. Seeing without blinded ideas, without vague misconceptions one tends to make when looking with blinded eyes. It is there with great pain one comes to grip, if it’s possible, with the base, blackness inside, and the reality of what you have done. Then with a throaty whisper words escape your lips, “I am responsible for the death of love.” You come to understand that true love, in the only human form it has ever truly known, has died at your hands. Not only died, but mocked, beat and spit upon to a condition beyond human recognition. In that moment, in the lowest state of human grief, I fall prostrate alone feeling I shall never rise again.

            “Shhh, what was that? Words were spoken.” My spirit stirs and then leaps in my chest and every fiber of my being cries out, before falling back into my on private separation. As my last fleeting hope begins to fade, I see as if in a dream, a face. A kiss! Breath, life, flowing through me. Just like man’s beginning with the breath of God flowing though formed clay, life is begat again.

            My eyes open to a life that will be spent walking, running, and dancing with love itself. A life: to sit at the feet of love and listen to the words that have spoken universes into existence, of creating with the creator of all, of unabashed, unashamed, wild and passionate worship before the one who bears all these titles. A life gazing at majesty beyond my imagination. A life forever enraptured, forever amazed, forever loving forever, forever.